Donavan is a folk-singer
A couple of days ago, I wrote a post called Jill about exes and obsessing about exes and the glorious moment when you finally stop obsessing about exes. My friends Kristen and Sharon have a suggestion that might help you through this difficult period.
They say, pick something extremely stupid your ex did/said in your presence. Tell this something to all your girlfriends (preferably with much detail and exaggeration). Then, every time you start obsessing, your friends will shove that thing in your face and make you feel very silly. For example, Sharon was sitting in her ex’s living room, and he proceeded to turn off the lights, take a flashlight (one of the mini camping ones) and shine it all over the room. He did this for a very long time. A very looong time. Finally, Sharon asked him what he was doing and he said, “I’m giving you a laser-light show.”
“I mean, it was cute and all,” said Sharon. “For the first ten minutes.”
Kristen’s ex calls himself a “skater.” Which refers to skateboarding, right? But he doesn’t skateboard, he rollerblades, which is not not cool, but not cool on the same scale as skateboarding. And certainly misleading to the average gal who’s thinking, I got me a skateboarder, when really he’s a rollerblader.
SO: whenever Sharon or Kristen find themselves obsessing about these guys, we are to yell “LASER LIGHT SHOW!” and “ROLLER BLADER!” at them very loudly.
See how it works?
When I started listing the things that should’ve been yelled at me when I was obsessing over boys, Sharon and Kristen’s stories seemed a little tame in comparison. This may be because they are significantly smarter than I was when I was single (although now that I am in a relationship I am infinitely intelligent about all things dating related. This is how it works) and chose much better men than I did. Anyhow, here’s a partial list of things you all might’ve yelled at me back in the day:
“WANTS TO GO ON WELFARE TO RECORD HIS NEXT ALBUM!”
“BINGE DRINKER TO THE POINT OF BLACKOUTS!”
“PHOBIA OF HAVING HIS FEET TOUCHED!”
“HAS TWO OTHER GIRLFRIENDS!”
“LIFE-SIZED TATOO OF DONAVAN’S FACE ACROSS HIS BACK!”
“HE'S AN ACTOR!”
“HE’S GAY!”
Anyone care to add?
Comments
Add to your list...or my own list...
mine would have been:
"HE'S STRAIGHT, HAS A GIRLFRIEND,AND IS USING YOU FOR A QUICK FUNTIME!"
"HE'S CHEATING ON HIS BOYFRIEND WITH YOU AND CHEATING ON YOU WITH HIS OLD BOYFRIEND!"
"HE'S CHEATING ON HIS BOYFRIEND THAT HE DOESN'T TELL YOU ABOUT UNTIL HE STOPS CALLING YOU AND THEN YOU RANDOMLY BUMP INTO HIM AT A RESTURANT WHERE HE STARTS CRYING BECAUSE HE MISSES YOU!"
"HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO STOP DRINKING AND TALKS TO OTHER GUYS ON THE INTERNET WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING."
"HE WEARS PLEATED PANTS!"
"HE CALLS YOU SNUGGLES!"
"HE'S AN ACTOR!"(here here megan)
Ok, so that's just depressing.
Posted by: Byron | August 4, 2005 1:54 PM
It's OK to say rollerblading is not cool. In fact, I think it's your duty to say it.
Posted by: Jonny Mess | August 7, 2005 12:04 PM
rollerblading is not not not cool.
Donovan?
Posted by: pato | August 8, 2005 11:03 AM
Oh, Byron. Pleated PANTS?
Posted by: Megan | August 8, 2005 11:47 AM
I don't know where to start. Can I just direct you to When The Messenger is Hot and advise you to wave that in my face or hit me over the head with it? It would probably work for other people too.
Posted by: Betsy | August 9, 2005 8:14 AM