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May 31, 2006

(transcribed from last night's cocktail napkin)

I’m sitting at the bar, waiting for Christopher. I was coming East and he was coming West so we figured we’d meet in the middle and grab some dinner—too long a day to go home and cook—so I order a glass of wine and eavesdrop.

When I was single, I did this all the time: sat alone in bars, writing on napkins what I heard all around me. Call it what you will—observation? research?—what I was really doing was killing time, trying to wait out the inevitable loneliness of going home at the end of the night. Home was a beautiful one-bedroom that I loved, loved, loved during the day—waking up at six a.m. with sunlight flooding the windows, padding barefoot into my office with a cup of coffee and four whole hours before I had to get ready to teach. I’d read the paper, write in my journal, write stories, rewrite, random stuff, read books sometimes if it wasn’t coming, always quiet and perfect and bright, even in the winter—but at night, I loathed it. The silence was so loud! I couldn’t sleep! Couldn’t hear myself think! I’d play the Matrix over and over on the laptop (no TV) just to have some distraction—not watching it, just using it for white noise—but eventually it would be too much so I’d have to leave. Late night coffee shops or bars, like this one, and I’d sit alone with a stack of cocktail napkins and jot down what I saw. Why napkins? you ask. Easy. If you take your journal into a bar, it’s a sign for people to approach you. They can say, “OH! You’re a WRITER! Me TOO!” or, “What do you write?” (Uhm … words?) or, “You’re a writer? Have you read (insert whatever title here, but Ayn Rand is a safe bet)?” Napkins seemed safer, somehow. They don’t offer a common conversation topic, and, while I wanted to be among people, I didn’t want to TALK to any of them. I just wanted to kill time, and the best way to do that is listening.

Like now: I’m waiting for Christopher, and listening, and what I’m hearing does not disappoint.

“How do you expect me to marry you now!” says the girl to my right. I glance her way with that once-practiced look of nonchalance (“I’m not looking at YOU, I’m looking at something over THERE”). She’s turned in her chair to full-on face the guy to her right, so I can only see her back. Red sweater, expensive. Long blonde ponytail, dyed. Her shoulders are shaking, deep breath, deep breath, so I’m assuming she’s crying. On the bar in front of her is a vodka tonic and her left hand—yes, there’s the ring. Big and sparkly—and she lifts the hand a few inches and smacks it back down. The wine in my glass trembles from the gesture. “I’m so SICK of you doing this!” she says. The guy grasps her upper arm—I can’t see him, the girl’s body is blocking him, but I see his fingers just below her shoulder—“Will you lower your voice!” he says, and I think, No, talk louder! I can barely hear you as is! because the noise in this place is intense. The game (what game? I don’t follow that stuff) is on three screens bolted above the bar, and The Cure blasts through the stereo, and the bartender at this particular place is really awful. He stands at the far end of the bar inspecting his tattoos and the only way you can get his attention is to yell, so every five minutes there’s a “Hey, can I get a Guiness!?” or “I need another pitcher over here, Man!” or “Two Stoli cran and a Manhattan,” from customers or waitresses and I think, If this guy worked where I’ve worked he’d get fired in two seconds. But this isn’t one of my places.

Maybe it was. But I’m not that girl anymore. I no longer live this life.

I look back to the girl on my right. Her breathing has calmed, her back is no longer shaking, his hand is still wrapped around her arm and I can’t hear what they’re saying. I imagine grabbing an empty pint glass, pressing the open end to the top of her spine and my ear to the bottom, listening in as if I were twelve years old and this girl was a door. I want to know what’s happening on the other side. I want to hear. I have questions: what did he do? What is she sick of? Who’s really in the wrong here? Did he do something stupid, or is she just overreacting, and why, why, why are they having this conversation in a public place? I realize—as I pause to grab more napkins—that I can probably guess the answers. Not because I write fiction and can make up what might happen next, but because I might have lived this fight they’re having. Not now. Not with Christopher, God no. But before. I’ve had her manicure. Her tears. Her sudden bursts of anger intensifying as this guy sushed her. Her hands are up in her hair now, patting it back into place. Now they’re at her waist, pulling at the hem of her shirt to smooth it over her stomach. Now they’re back to the bar and she’s leaning on her elbows. She’s hyper-aware of how she looks in this moment. How she’s holding herself. Whether or not she appears pretty because maybe, maybe she still doesn’t trust this guy to love her/want her if she doesn’t look good.

I look down at myself. I got caught in the rain an hour earlier, and my hair has dried all knotted, and I have that wet-humid smell. My dress is still water-stained and my shoes are still drenched. Ruined, maybe. In the mirror behind the bar I see my mascara is smeared a little bit and then—in that split second before I’m embarrassed by my appearance—I feel a hand on the back of my neck and I don’t need to see him to know his touch, I don’t need to turn around to know that it’s him and how, how, how lucky I am.

Kiss my ass/I bought a boat/I’m going out to sea

So, I dated this guy one time (lots of my stories start like that) who stood in front of my CD collection (this was pre-downloading, folks. Back in the day, we had CD’s. Lots of them. We bought special shelves for them at IKEA) and shook his head, slowly, like some disappointed dad. “What?” I said, worried. He was (airquotes) IN A BAND, so he obviously knew what was up, right? “Nothing,” he said. “It’s just … you can tell so much about a person by their music.” To this day, I contend that he saw the Alanis album (I shelve alphabetically) and stopped there, never getting to the Flaming Lips or Dismemberment Plan or Guided By Voices or Modest Mouse or Chin Up or anything that would’ve shown him that I was, indeed, solid indie rocker girlfriend material and, let’s get real, people: I’m thirty years old, and I am DONE apologizing for that fucking copy of Jagged Little Pill. I am PROUD of that copy of Jagged Little Pill. I loved it, love it, and WILL love it, and I don’t care how friggin’ mainstream she got—how many times do I have to keep EXPLAINING this! (note: if you’d like to hear more on this story, there’s one weekend left of my show at Neo Solo)

That said, I just finished one of those little blog-questionaire things (thanks, Carolyn!) about this very same issue: What can our music tell us about our lives? It was very interesting and very creepy and if you need to sit and veg out for an hour, I’d say give it a go (make sure you give yourself an hour, though, 'cause you have to google lyrics and contemplate your inner self and all that shit). Here are the rules:

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.


HOW AM I FEELING TODAY? If I had a Boat, Lyle Lovitt
("Kiss my ass/I bought a boat/I’m going out to sea")

WILL I GET FAR IN LIFE? Redemption Song (live), Lauryn Hill ft. Ziggy Marley

HOW DO MY FRIENDS SEE ME? Canary, Liz Phair
("I work up to my potential/I earn my name/I come when called/I jump when you circle the cherry/I sing like a good canary/I come when called")

WHEN WILL I GET MARRIED? Yesterday, Eva Cassidy’s cover

WHAT IS MY BEST FRIEND'S THEME SONG? I Got that Feeling, James Brown

WHAT IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE? Only You, Yaz

WHAT WAS HIGH SCHOOL LIKE? Kung Fu Fighting, Jefferson Airplane

HOW AM I GOING TO GET AHEAD IN LIFE? A Song for You, Donny Hathaway

WHAT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT YOU? Somewhere That’s Green, from Little Shop of Horrors

HOW IS TODAY GOING TO BE? The Times They Are a-Changing, Dylan

WHAT IS IN STORE FOR THE WEEKEND? Submarine, Bjork
("Do it now/Do it now/Shake us out of the heavy deep sleep/Shake us now/Do it now!")

WHAT SONG BEST DESCRIBES YOUR PARENTS? Piano Concerto No. 21 Mozart

WHAT SONG BEST DESCRIBES YOUR GRANDPARENTS? Road to Joy, Bright Eyes

HOW IS YOUR LIFE GOING? Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels), Arcade Fire

WHAT SONG WILL PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Come Together, Beatles

HOW DOES THE WORLD SEE ME? Suddenly Everything Has Changed, Flaming LIps

WILL I HAVE A HAPPY LIFE? Just Like u Said it Would Be, Sinead O’Connor

WHAT DO MY FRIENDS REALLY THINK ABOUT ME? Combat Baby, Metric

DO PEOPLE SECRETLY LUST AFTER ME? I Want Candy, Go Go’s
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY? Amazing Grace, Ladysmith Black Mombaza
(?)

WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE? Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

WILL I EVER HAVE CHILDREN? The Night Descending, Iron and Wine
("Trust that I'm still hoping, darling/Wooden coin, he called my daughter/No good knowing what came after")

WHAT IS SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR ME? Where does the good go? Tegan and Sara

WHAT IS MY SIGNATURE DANCING SONG? I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet, Carole King (AWESOME)

WHAT DO I THINK MY CURRENT THEME SONG IS? Crash, Dave Matthews
(Did I just lose some street-cred? Who the hell cares, the song’s right on)

WHAT DOES EVERYONE ELSE THINK MY CURRENT THEME SONG IS? Let’s Get Retarded, Black Eyed Peas (I swear I didn't make that up)

WHAT TYPE OF MAN/WOMAN DO YOU LIKE? Close Your Eyes, Bebel Gilberto
(you need to read the whole thing. Actually, download it, it’s a great tune)

WHAT KIND OF KISSER ARE YOU? Everybody’s Gonna Be Happy, The Kinks

WHAT'S YOUR STYLE? Lyla, Coco Rosie

WHAT KIND OF LOVER ARE YOU? Tsunami, Res

WHAT WOULD BE PLAYING ON A FIRST DATE? Into the Mystic, Van Morrison

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN TEN YEARS? I Can Hardly Wait, PJ Harvey

May 30, 2006

An inner monologue about how I now love golf

All I ever knew about golf was this: I had a friend back in Michigan whose boyfriend was a golfer. That should be in all caps. GOLFER. He GOLFED. As in, he had the shoes and the clothes and the fancy, expensive clubs and was very, VERY serious. He spent HOURS. He spent HUNDREDS of dollars. He had tee times. Not tea, TEE. He TEED OFF (it makes me giggle a little to type TEE OFF. Like, TEE OFF, JACK!). Now, I have nothing against golf. I just don’t get it—FYI: me not getting something is not breaking news. There’s lots of stuff I don’t get, and I try to have a “Hey, Whatever,” attitude about it, ‘cause I’m sure I’m into things that other folks are thinking “Whaaaaa?” about, and they’re nice enough to support me, so, Go GOLF!—anyhow, I remember saying to my friend, “Friend, what’s up with the boyfriend’s golf thing?” and she said, “I have no fucking idea, it’s just one of his THINGS,” and she said the word THINGS with great emphasis and disgust, as though the THINGS in question were strip clubs, or eating maggots—it makes me wonder if Christopher and I have THINGS. Things we tolerate about each other, but secretly hate.

ME: Is there anything I do that you secretly hate?
CHRISTOPHER: [speaking very slowly and carefully] Are you reading that bridal planning book your step-sister sent you?
ME: She sent me the ANTI-bride planning book! Betsy gave me one, too! They’re the antithesis of bride-planning! They tell me to elope and wear a bustier and eat fried chicken!
CHRISTOPHER: Fried chicken sounds good.

—so whenever I hear the word “golf,” this girl’s incredibly nasty voice comes flooding back from wherever it was lurking in the back of my mind, and somehow translates into MEGAN YOU DON’T LIKE GOLF, even though I don’t know anything at all about golf and am therefore in no place to judge. Hunting, I can judge. Bowling, I can judge. Scrabble, too, and any myriad of board games, computer games, and other mental and/or physical challenges all of which Christopher does and, for the record, I truly love, and not at all because he always wins and I can stand there with that “That’s MY man!” sort of smug satisfaction. BUT, when he came home last week and said, “Hey, do you need the car Saturday? Tracy and I are going golfing,” I did do a double-take, yes I did. I did think, “Whaaaa?” And, “Since when did you become a GOLFER?” And then, “What’s your problem with golf, Megan?” and then, “I don’t know, it’s just this THING!” and then, “Regardless of how you feel about golf, we all grow and change and try new things, and we love one another during all this growth and change, this is what marriage is ABOUT!” and then, “Whoah, how did we get THERE?” and more back and forth (very much like Sybil with her multiple personalities, or Gollum talking in We’s) until I finally remembered the whole aforementioned Friend in Michigan Subconscious story, and I felt very hot shit with my own (free) psychoanalytical diagnosis. I thought, “How much better would the world be if we all took a deep breath, and tried to figure out the connotations of our reactions to things, especially if these things are more important in the grand scheme of things than GOLF.” I’m such a fucking philosopher. As a recent brunch customer of mine said after I helped her solve her very complicated Which Pancake Should I Order dilemma, “You should be on the U.N.”

Blah blah golf.

Here is what I learned from Christopher going golfing last Saturday: GOLF IS AWESOME.

Because here, in the city, golf is not golf but rather URBAN GOLF. Specifically, the Chicago Urban Devils Golf Enthusiasts’ League (CUDGEL), which, upon hearing the stories of their inaugural match, makes me want to rush out and golf. Perhaps, if you ask Christopher nicely in the comments, he’ll tell you about it. You can also check out their site (and photos/video footage—my man is in the purple pants) here. But most importantly, I will someday have my very own tee time. And have learned a valuable lesson about the inner workings of my brain.

Look at the sky, look at the sidewalk

Keep an eye out for these. They’re supposed to appear in early June, and I think it’s a hell of an idea. Gets my gears turning about what art can do, what art can mean, how it can inspire change.

AND, Columbia College students rock.

The marching band I marched in was so not as cool as this one

Oh yes, everyone. I marched. How you do it is you roll on the balls of your feet and lift your knees in the air. Back straight. I played the saxophone, which, when marching, is connected to your neck with a strap but you have to hold it very high, parallel to your body. Then you play muzak versions of Rock Me Amedeus and high-step around the football field, and even though you can’t really see where you’re going under the duck-billed hat, you know that the crowd is seeing great patterns arrange and rearrange, and that you are part of something greater yourself. That teamwork is the way to go, ‘cause without teamwork, you couldn’t make those patterns on the football field, no sir, nor could your saxophone alone sound like Rock Me Amedeus. Valuable lessons INDEED for a young, impressionable mind. And then, those minds age, and are no longer young NOR impressionable, and are very happy to leave all marching-band related memories back in high school.

Enter Mucca Pazza, who we first saw last winter at Martyrs’. We were there for a Ulele reunion show (I was a fan, of the sound but mostly of the singer, Leina’ala, who I just heard is heading up a new all-girl rock band that I’m psyched to check out), and were just sitting there between sets, minding our own business, drinking our bourbon, and suddenly the crowd is peppered with a twenty-piece marching band in old-school, thrift-store, pimped-out uniforms. A guy playing the tuba pushed past us. A girl in pigtails on the trombone. Another guy marched with an electric guitar: he wore a motorcycle helmet with an amp welded to it and battery pack on his back. It was awesome. It was a party, goddammit. It was straight out of my imagination: you’re just sitting back in your life and suddenly there’s a marching band playing rock-and-roll.

A few months later, we saw them again in Wicker Park (the park itself, not the neighborhood) during, I think, Around the Coyote. All twenty of them were on their backs in the grass, totally rocking out and surrounded by this huge crowd of people. After a while, they got up and, still playing, marched off, and the crowd followed them. Like in Forest Gump, how everybody follows Forrest when he runs? (I’m sure there’s a better example I can use. Probably a biblical one) Anyhow, it was a riot. Two parts music, two parts public performance and a shit-ton of fun. We’re going to see them June 10th at Martyrs’ (scroll down) where they’re playing with the epiphany of a shit-ton of fun: http://www.lordoftheyumyum.com/. Should be a great show, folks.

Check ‘em out on Conan.

May 22, 2006

Hi, people in Ireland

Christopher has been using (pause to ask him the name of it) Google Analytics (?) to see who's been reading my blog (pause to ask if I'm explaining that right and he says, "In a sense," because he's busy watching a rerun of Fear Factor where they're sticking their faces in vats of maggots and pulling out raw chicken feet with their teeth) and it turns out there's people visiting from Ireland and Beijing and ("This is your Geo Overlay Map," he tells me, so I can see for myself) and Cananda and El Paso and London and I just thought I'd take a moment to say, Hi, to y'all from Ireland and Beijing and Canada and El Paso and London. How's the weather in Kildaire? In Chicago, it's cold for the end of May. But I'm glad you're stopping by. Have a nice day. Travel safe, please.

Come and hang out with me on this night!

Polyphony H.S. is a student-run, nationally distributed literary magazine for high school writers (Alex Kotlowitz, author of There are No Children Here, called it, "An eclectic collection of prose and poetry, it's like nothing else around. It's like a Paris Review for the young. Daring. provocative. Exhilarating. And just plain fun"). Other Voices is a fiction-focused, nationally distributed literary magazine with "its finger on the pulse of contemporary literature across all boundaries of race, age, ethnicity, nation, physical ability, sexuality and religion ... able to offer you more of what’s new and exciting than just about any other magazine." Sleepwalk is a free, Chicago underground lit journal dedicated to new voices and strong storytelling, and the three of us are getting together Tuesday, May 30th at the beautiful FLATFILE Galleries to hang out and drink wine and hear readings from Polyphony's Remy Patrizio, OV's Allison Amend, and Sleepwalk's me. We'd love for you to come play with us!

Parodies (if my students are reading this, it's not about Melville)

First, watch this.

Then, this.

And this.

May 18, 2006

These are things we do in our house

Narrate the internal monologue of the dog ("Gimmee a chicken, bitches!")
Show each other things online and say, "This would be SUCH a great birthday present!"
Google the word POOP.
Drink wine.
Watch Ze Frank's The Show.
Say, "OH MY GOD WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!" a lot.
Write things in each other's calendar like "You are hanging out with me on this day 'cause I haven't seen you for three weeks."
Paper-rock-scissors to see who takes out the dog.
Try to convince the dog that he really doesn't have to pee.
Read emails, answer emails, bitch about email (Christopher has TWENTY-SEVEN unread messages!)
Rub Megan's back.
Scramble eggwhites.
Try to sleep. Succeed sometimes.
Try to nap. Succeed always.
Watch netflix.
Read the news. Bitch and/or discuss.
Ask, "Remember when we used to cook new things for dinner?" Answer, "Yes. Where shall we call for take-out tonight?"
Make plans (me). Enjoy the moment (Christopher). Enlist the other in the joy we find in making plans and enjoying the moment, so that I can also enjoy the moment and Christopher can have a say in our future.
Sit, come, stay, roll over, kisses, down (Mojo).

May 17, 2006

Let's get serious. What are you going to wear?

"You're getting married? when are you getting married? soon? are you getting married soon? am I invited? you have to invite me! did you invite her? you're inviting her? when are you getting married? it's too hot then, too cold then, that's a bad weekend for me, don't get married then, what?"

All I know for certain is the following: 1. Christopher will be there and 2. I will look hot.

In lieu of the Me looking hot thing, I've been looking at dresses. Because I will need one. And many of them, the ones sans bows and lace and puffy skirts and tiaras and tulle tulle tulle ballerina-style with pearls or any sort of off-the-shoulder madness, are very awesome. And of the very awesome ones, I just need to find the one that isn't the down payment on our condo. Christopher is trying to help. "You should get this dress," he said. "It's made out of baby legs."

May 9, 2006

More life lessons from dogs

Mojo and I just came back from a walk in Humboldt Park. In route, we passed a lady with a big, muscled bulldog, and I noticed that she and I both tightened our grip on our dogs at about eight feet apart.

"It's okay," I called out, as I always do. "He's friendly!"

"So's he!" she called back, and we both relaxed our grips, and smiled, and our dogs sniffed each other with waggy tails.

I'm thinking now about how great it would be if it could go like that with people. You get to a certain distance with someone and they'll call out, "I'm friendly!" or "I'm a good person! I won't look at you weird or ignore you if you say hello!" or "I'm an asshole today, don't bother smiling at me!" or whatever. The older I get, the less patience I have for nastiness. Especially my own.

So busy there's only time to make lists of said busy-ness

CHRISTOPHER: Why did I build you a new blog if you’re never going to post on it?
ME: blah blah blah busy doing stuff blah blah blah lalalaaaaa
CHRISTOPHER: I can’t understand what you are saying. You're talking too fast.

Here, slowly, are the above blah blah’s (re: what I’ve been doing instead of writing here)

1. Reading student work (my students kick ass).
2. Getting engaged (which involves lots of dinners and parties and space-cadetedness)
3. Christopher’s birthday
A. Dave & Busters

CHRISTOPHER: (four months before his birthday) What are we doing for my birthday?
ME: I haven’t thought that far ahead.
HIM: I totally wouldn’t mind if we went to Dave & Busters. Here’s the link. You can kill zombies, and race kayaks on the Hydro Thunder, and die in an electric chair, and win all sorts of tickets playing ski ball and you can turn those tickets in for fantastic prizes!

In the end, the eight of us got very, very drunk, and gave away some two thousand amassed ski-ball tickets to a seven-year-old kid whose facial expression communicated that we’d made not only his night, but his entire childhood a worthwhile venture.

B. Spamalot

My man done loves his Monty Python. He’s the guy who will sit at the bar and recite the entire script of Holy Grail (especially the part with the French guards on the other side of the wall). So we went, and it was wonderful. I’ll only give away one little part: the Knights who say Ni, who then become the Knights who no longer say Ni and instead say, "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm," THEN become the Knights who sing, “It’s hard out here for a pimp.”

4. 2nd Story (last Saturday was so sold out I couldn’t move. It was awesome).
5. Getting ready for this.
6. And this.
7. Painted Mz. Lacey’s house for Rebuilding Together.
8. Went to D’nell Larson’s opening at the Bodybuilder and Sportsman Gallery

I’ve been a fan of D’nell’s work for years, ever since I saw her piece 100 Miles For You at Gallery 312. One hundred miles of curling ribbon. The girl CURLED a hundred miles of curling ribbon. I remember first seeing this thing—(seemingly) just a pile of ribbon on the floor—and then reading the title and getting it. She physically went a hundred miles for someone, sitting there, sliding ribbon between scissor-blades. That was one of the first moments I understood the necessity of process in visual art: how the way the art was created was just as meaningful, if not more so, than the final product.

9. Got addicted to Twin Peaks (remember, I didn’t have TV growing up. So I missed that whole bandwagon and do not—DO NOT—tell me who killed Laura Palmer)
10. Went to see that movie that I’m not going to admit in print I paid money for.
11. My mother came to town, which was awesome.
12. Dia and Jessica came to town, which was also awesome.
13. Did I mention that I’m reading a lot of student work?
14. And 2nd Story, did I say 2nd Story? There’s three more days: you can check it out Wednesday night, when I’ll be reading about technology with The Dollar Store’s Jonathon Messinger, or Saturday, when I’ll be reading with Lord of the YumYum, or Sunday, when I’ll be reading with Scotty Karate. Get yourself some tickets, people, the weekends are almost sold out already.

May 1, 2006

FIVE FOLD INK

A new reason (added to a list of many) why I love Byron is because he sent us a card for our engagement. As in, it arrived in the mail. With a stamp. The postman (post person?) delivered it, and I got an envelope with Megan Stielstra written on it that was A. not a bill B. not junk and C. a pretty color, and I was way excited. Envelopes are great. Especially when they hold cards congratulating you on your engagement to a really awesome, sexy guy. Especially when the cards are really cute and well-designed and parodies of the notes and journal entries I used to write in grade school, which made me laugh really hard, thinking of myself back then versus me now, especially in how I write about love. It was a great card, and I looked up the company who designed it because I wanted to get some. This is how I discovered Five Fold Ink.

Let me back up: last week, I did a reading with Elizabeth Crane and Ken Foster at Quimby’s, and a very nice lady came up to me after I read and said, “I really enjoyed your story!”

“Thanks!” I said.

“Do you have a website?”

“Yes!” I told her. “I have a NEW website, with all sorts of neat things on it! Like my blog! And some photos! And stories! And links to a boy who can dance like a robot! And this artist I love who makes sqiggly shapes out of wire that cast shadows and the shadows spell out words! And—”

“Do you have a card?” she interrupted. “So I can get to the website?”

My brain works like this: neat site, blog, pictures, dancing robots, squiggly shapes. My brain does not work in logos or marketing or business cards. But what a great IDEA! A business card! It makes so much SENSE! You can give the card to people, and they will then know how to CONTACT YOU! Genius! So I turned to Christopher, who was standing behind me listening in on this conversation, and I gave him a look which said, “Honey! BUSINESS CARDS! Let’s go home immediately and whip up some business cards! And we can make them scratch-and-sniff! Like bubble gum! And maybe we can hide a computer chip in each one! So the business card can TALK! It can say, ‘I’m Megan’s business card! Let me tell you a story about the time Megan raised rabbits when she was eight! They lived in a hutch in her backyard and one time—’” and Christopher gave me a look back that said, “I love you. I adore you. You’re great. I’m behind on nine freelance projects, I work sixty hours a week and am in grad school at night where I study the thing which is called something very long and intelligent-sounding that means the psychological connection between humans and computers and, like I said, I love you very much but I just made you a whole website and you have a squillion readings and I come to every one plus your mother is coming to town so can maybe I can have a night off?”

So what I did was this:

Dear Five Fold Ink,

My super-great boyfriend designed me a kickass website and now I need a kickass business card and here’s some ideas I have and do you have any suggestions? I have not tons of money, but some money, and I like your stuff, so, shall we dance?

And Five Fold Ink said,

Dear Megan,

You are a funny strange person. Here are four mock-ups of cards we did based on your website. What works for you and what doesn’t? Let’s get these bitches to the printer and get this ball rolling, shall we?

And I said,

Dear Five Fold Ink,

You are so great, and working with you has been a total pleasure, and I want everyone to know you exist and you make cool things and, since I got to meet you, you are also very cute and sweet and you make me laugh a lot and so do your cards! Everyone should send cards from Five Fold Ink! And get them to help you design stuff! If I had a cheerleading squad, I’d get them Five Fold Ink uniforms and have them do a little dance routine involving pyramids and flips and exposed midriffs!

But I don’t have a cheerleading squad. I do have 500 business cards coming in the mail, though. So ask me for one the next time you see me, and let’s see how professional I can pretend to be.

Fee. On. Say.

I’m having a tricky time with the word fiancé. Perhaps this is because, at the restaurant where I work, there’s a crossiant sandwich on the menu. A crow-sahnt sandwich. Except sometimes people order the qua-sauh sandwich and I want to punch them in the face, which is so totally not nice of me, I know, especially since qua-sauh is the correct pronunciation and all. I can’t help myself, though.

Also, I think of Beyonce, the singer of Destiny’s Child, and then I have that Say My Name Say My Name song stuck in my head, and that song is impossible to get out of your head, which you will all soon realize because you’ll now have Say My Name Say My Name in your heads all day, and you might maybe hate me. And want to punch me in the face.

I do like the word “engaged,” though. It makes me think of Star Trek: “Engage, Captain! To the bridge!” And you know tons of exciting things are about to happen because everyone’s running around, and alarms are ringing, and stars and planets are appearing on computer screens all over the place.