Megan Stielstra's Blog

Today, I cleaned the toilet and I was thinking about how, in the past, when I’ve rented apartments, I’d clean the toilet TO A POINT, but then, you know, there’s the layers of shkeeze that just won’t scrub off, that have been amassing for years and … you know … belong to somebody ELSE, and even though I’m sort of excessively hygenic I do have my limits insofar as other people’s shkeeze. But this new toilet in my new place has never been used before and I’m like, this toilet will remain sparkly clean for all eternity if I have any say in the matter. If I clean it every week then I’ll never have to take a brillo pad to it in the years to come. Like if you go to the Dentist every six months there’s less scraping. It’s taking care of the future.

That’s how my mind works: cleaning the toilet is not just cleaning the toilet, it’s also a metaphor for the future. Except, in a positive way. Not in a future=toilet way ‘cause really I don’t think that, these days I’m totally Yaaaaay, Future! (take me with a grain of salt, people, I had a long night). Anyhow, I’m thinking about all this stuff as I’m cleaning the toilet, thinking, ‘I’m going to blog about this when I’m done here’ and then—THEN—I thought, Do I REALLY want to blog about cleaning my toilet? Isn’t that somewhere on my list of Things NOT to Blog About? which made me wonder if I had such a list. A few years ago I would’ve said No. I would’ve said, I’ll write about anything! Because I will not be censored! Because life is truth and truth is art or something like that, huzzah! Because also—and this is the kicker, people—I didn’t consider many things sacred and now, that just isn’t the case, there-FORE!: yes, there IS a list of things I won’t blog about, to which the next logical question is, What’s on it?

1. Anything about my husband that I haven’t discussed with him first, as in:

ME: Can I blog about how you play that video game called Civilization 4 and when you came to bed the other night you said, ‘I just discovered Buddhism,’ and I said, ‘That’s great, honey,’ and you said, ‘And then I killed all the farmers,’ and I said, “ALL the farmers?” and you said, ‘And also I killed Ghandi. But not real Ghandi, real Ghandi was awesome. I killed Virtual Ghandi.’

CHRISTOPHER: That’s fine.

ME: Can I blog about how you were cleaning your aquarium and accidentally one of the Tetras got sucked up into the filter and when I came into the room you were standing over the filter saying, ‘His name was Robert Paulson. His name was Robert Paulson. His name was Robert Paulson.’?

CHRISTOPHER: That’s fine, too.

ME: And also can I blog about ___________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________?

CHRISTOPHER: I’d prefer that you didn’t.

2. Stories that do not belong me to me and that I didn’t get permission to use, as in:

KIM: Oh my God, guys, I got this email and _____________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ and DON’T YOU BLOG ABOUT THAT, MEGAN, ‘CAUSE I’M GOING TO!

3. My mom teaches fourth grade, and on the wall of her classroom it says, in big constuction paper letters, WE SAY AND DO KIND THINGS. And I’m trying to do a little more of that.

That’s all I can think of right now, although I do reserve the right to add to this list. I was going to add a #4 with bodily functions, fluids and anatomy in general (under which my toilet may be subtexted) but I realize I’ve already written extensively about my dog’s poop. Furthermore, if what I’m not going to blog about are the things I consider sacred, then dog poop isn’t really up there with my marriage, my friendships, trust, kindness and basic human decency.